It’s pretty much been a year to the day since I lay down in a park in North Goa, sharing ice cream with a cute Swedish girl and listening to the city of Panjim wake up with the rising sun. The congregation of crows calling their morning meeting in the surrounding mango trees above.
A couple of hours down the line and I shuffle on board a reluctant flight back to London in order to claim a job in Dubai that never happened. Despite my original distaste for the chaotic barrage unto the senses, there I was actually relishing every last breath of India, wondering when I’d be back and yearning it would be sometime soon.
It’s all because of the ‘Hampi Happening’, where I’d realized in sacred company that all my pain and upset was due to a case of mistaken identity. The subsequent return to Europe propagated my headfirst dive inward, forcing me to strip myself bare of all my psychological luggage that I’d accumulated, namely the emotional hopelessness of being a victim of failed relationships and the doubt and confusion of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life.
In the aftermath of my time in London, I got lost and found in the haze of summer love after a spontaneous move to Germany, the clouds of spiritual romance billowing again in the wake of a self concocted story about two globe trotters, journeying to India, moving in the name of God, the path of the Heart or something along those lines. It was fast becoming my next saving grace but it was more like a venus fly trap I didn’t know I needed.
The minds excited projections of our holy journey to spread light in India began to manifest the moment we landed, on the eve of 2015, yet it was unnerving because the founding concepts about how it was going to unfold was immediately being annihilated at the same time. We were both moving towards freedom but not with each other, what a paradox. That’s how it goes though. What occurs is always best for you, only it’s never what you think it will be.
Thank goodness life isn’t about making sense.
Am I writing this out of remorse? Of course not, I’m grateful…in hindsight. The universe came through after all and now I’m blissfully drying out in the breeze after my final wash cycle.
See, the two of us did realize the nature of Truth, in our own ways. You know, the pure Self, the infinite moment of Now, all that is. To share such findings with another rare and unique being, when most of the world thinks you’re bonkers can be such a bitter sweet blessing but that’s what soul mates are for after all.
Back when I was repainting a spiritual retreat in the south of Germany, the empty corridors echoed with my dreamy visions whilst she was away in America, (cue the couple running towards each other on the beach in slow mo) only I missed the inner contradiction of all the love and peace without the pain.
One must face and transmute the Ego to expose it’s falsehood along with all it’s illusory fears, like turning lead into gold, only I tried to sweep it under the rug because I hoped I didn’t have to anymore.
You see, she didn’t want to loose her freedom but wanted to love again. I was infatuated and swarmed to cover up my fear of loneliness with the band aid of attachment.
What a combo, like a molotov cocktail rigged to blow, the two of us reflected enough light and inner zeal to go all the way for liberation no matter what, experiencing what we needed when we needed it. Perfect timing as always. She got to travel with someone and practice patience (anyone that knows me can verify the test) and I had to endure the disappearing intimacy between us and watch her dance on, spreading her wings and flying whilst accepting it happily, being at one with the unfolding, knowing it’s in the best interest for both of us.
I didn’t bank on the hidden egoic saboteur surfacing again but erupt it did. No point in resisting or trying to salvage this sense of person though, this false self, the root of unhappiness. Just remain as the awareness of it something deep inside said. Like drawing out poison, my idea of myself was kicking and screaming to do something about the pain yet something reassured me to stay as the witness in the din of my despair.
This reassurance is Grace itself.
So many times the reflex to run and hide or burn in the flames of self pity arose, yet the attention recoiled inward every time into the embrace of inner silence, allowing the tearing up of the untrue to occur from the inside out. Layers of identity were stripped and burned as the space for simply being emerged, allowing the ocean of Life to flood back inside and wash away the belief of separation with God, the Absolute, No-thingness or whatever you want to call it.
Somehow my victimhood withered away and I broke into unconditional love, as I watched my blessed soul mate and her new friend draped over the bar looking all happy and smiling into each others eyes, the way new love blossoms.
A breath of Life sailed through the bar that night and the storm passed after 60 days and nights on a sunday in south Goa. A deep stillness returned, where the waves of thought can’t reach the mountain top of presence. The joy and sweetness of God revealing itself inside where it’s been all along.
As we enter the vitality of spring, we part ways with the mutual understanding that we move where the heart wants to go with complete trust in the universe. No holding back. Past a week I don’t know where I’ll be or how the money will come but I’ll tell ya, being rooted in this moment, knowing that this is our natural state, timeless and immortal, what a relief. Every moment is fresh.
Now I’m sitting on the steps of a hilltop house in Kotabagh, North India listening to our host (‘Uncle Arun’ as we affectionately call him) complaining about why he’s no good at farming but loves the company of world travelers like us who come and help in this rare and quiet corner of Mother India.
It’s a strange and wonderful new feeling to be one with the unknown and appreciate the Now, morphing anxiety into curiosity. What a turn around but it’s true. We don’t know what’s going to happen, we can only guess but if your wishes for Truth, Freedom and Love are sincere and genuine, know that the universe is doing everything it can to help, you just have to be willing to give yourself up and ‘dance empty handed’ as Sri Mooji puts it.
Anyone else want to join this glorious void of unknowing?
It really is a Joy I can’t explain, an open road of possibilities ahead, no past and no future to hold onto. You’re just here, happy and alive, savoring every moment. For those of you with a real urge for this freedom, listen to the words of my South African friend Britta;
“Be careful what you wish for and may all your wishes come true”.
Heed this and wish away, because they will happen, in one way or another.